I WROTE this one year ago to this date on my other blog...Wanna know what sucks...it is just as true today as it was then!! WTF is the matter with me?? Seriously!! Oh except for the fact that I have been divorced now for 7 months...fuck!This weekend I was off at camp. You know is some ways I really hate camp because I hate the fact that I am alone. You know I am happy for all the couples married and otherwise, but I then feel so inwardly lonely and rehearsal isn't really the place to let that all out. You don't want to bring people down. If only they knew sometimes I sit there and wish I were dead, so I didn't have to feel at all. Any way here is my stupid post.
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Some evenings are just harder than others. Some days it just strikes me all of a sudden how lonely I feel, how much I miss my children, how isolated I feel being the one who can't be in the house. I am sure my ex would gladly switch places with me sometimes. I just find myself with my thoughts and not even wanting to talk to anyone. I am sure it did not help that I have gone off my meds on my own. I am trying to get back on them, but it takes time to build up in your system. I didn't really mean to do it. I just let the prescription lapse, then I decided I did not want to be in that medicine any more and stopped taking them. In retrospect this was not a good idea. The pangs of loneliness were very poignant tonight. Even though my marriage was physically vacant it was still something, and what I have now is nothing. I know it has to be, but sometimes the reality is difficult.
I found myself missing casual face to face conversation. Holding hands and giving massages. Touchin, caressing, grabbing, pulling, breathing, holding, biting...laughing, fingertips and fingernails,gripping, sweating, the noises, goosebumps..rinse and repeat. I am sure you get the picture.
Then I started dwelling on the fact it has been 21 years since I have been with anyone else and I started to get nervous for no reason. I mean there are no immediate prospects, so I shouldn't be concerned right? Yet, I still was like a teenager almost scared. How will I know I am ready? I know this sounds very un "guy" like . After all we are dogs and with most guys just throw us a bone and it doesn't matter where it came from. Well, I don't find myself feeling that way and I don't think all guys feel that way.
I beginning to wonder how to cope with the long dry spell in my sex life. I admit I am finding this increasingly frustrating. I learned to cope in my marriage when it would go one, two , three months. I will admit it was frustrating and it hurt physically and emotionally. I know you women out there think the physical pain men whine about is just a ruse but it isn't seriously the old term "blue balls" is the more common one used, but it is physically frustrating at least it is for me like a kick in the guts. At least when I was married even though it was a dry spell I guess it was easier to cope because I knew the end would eventually come. Yes, of course there is always the obvious. Guys are always quite adept at this. We are frequent practitioners, but it is no replacement for the real thing.
I remember speaking with a friend and she told me she dealt with it by having a series of rendezvous which were essentially one night stands. She had a very specific set of rules and one of them was definitely no commitment, don't even go there. I just can't got there. I am not saying what she did was wrong. It worked for her. It's just not for me. Plus I am not very good at brokering that kind of deal. Then what if i can't separate sex and the emotions? I just don't know I don't think my heart can take it. Even now though I would settle for just holding someone.
Don't get me wrong its not like everything isn't working. Oh it works just fine I just don't know if I can make sense of the trepidation I feel. Besides I am not technically divorced yet so perhaps I should at least wait until its official. I know it is an excuse, but I am so confused to be honest.
I am just tired, and lonely and just rambling
Goodnight
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Now playing: Journey - Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'
I found myself missing casual face to face conversation. Holding hands and giving massages. Touchin, caressing, grabbing, pulling, breathing, holding, biting...laughing, fingertips and fingernails,gripping, sweating, the noises, goosebumps..rinse and repeat. I am sure you get the picture.
Then I started dwelling on the fact it has been 21 years since I have been with anyone else and I started to get nervous for no reason. I mean there are no immediate prospects, so I shouldn't be concerned right? Yet, I still was like a teenager almost scared. How will I know I am ready? I know this sounds very un "guy" like . After all we are dogs and with most guys just throw us a bone and it doesn't matter where it came from. Well, I don't find myself feeling that way and I don't think all guys feel that way.
I beginning to wonder how to cope with the long dry spell in my sex life. I admit I am finding this increasingly frustrating. I learned to cope in my marriage when it would go one, two , three months. I will admit it was frustrating and it hurt physically and emotionally. I know you women out there think the physical pain men whine about is just a ruse but it isn't seriously the old term "blue balls" is the more common one used, but it is physically frustrating at least it is for me like a kick in the guts. At least when I was married even though it was a dry spell I guess it was easier to cope because I knew the end would eventually come. Yes, of course there is always the obvious. Guys are always quite adept at this. We are frequent practitioners, but it is no replacement for the real thing.
I remember speaking with a friend and she told me she dealt with it by having a series of rendezvous which were essentially one night stands. She had a very specific set of rules and one of them was definitely no commitment, don't even go there. I just can't got there. I am not saying what she did was wrong. It worked for her. It's just not for me. Plus I am not very good at brokering that kind of deal. Then what if i can't separate sex and the emotions? I just don't know I don't think my heart can take it. Even now though I would settle for just holding someone.
Don't get me wrong its not like everything isn't working. Oh it works just fine I just don't know if I can make sense of the trepidation I feel. Besides I am not technically divorced yet so perhaps I should at least wait until its official. I know it is an excuse, but I am so confused to be honest.
I am just tired, and lonely and just rambling
Goodnight
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Now playing: Journey - Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'
*hugs you*
ReplyDeleteI so wish I could offer you some fix-it words but I can't. I've been divorced for nealy 4 years and well I still suffer the same way.
ReplyDeleteBut for what it's worth I think your hot and would be happy to break your dry spell, and if that's not going to work I am a great snuggle buddy.
kisses and best wishes...
Frenchie Hon...I would probably take you up on that, but I have a feeling you don't live very close. Which seems to be the story of my life.
ReplyDeleteStill thanks for the compliment. I really do appreciate it. Maybe I just need someone to come up to me and tell me I'm hot..take me by the hand and lead me off.
I could have written this post myself. I'm not divorced yet, but it's on the horizon. What makes me want to cling to somebody who has treated me like shit for 17 years is beyond me.
ReplyDeleteWhat's the most depressing is that I think there may be no such thing as true love. What if that is true? What if I never find it? My kids make me happy and doing things for others is satisfying. Maybe that will have to suffice.
The meds help with the suicidal ideations. The booze helps with sleep.
Unfortunatly, I don't think I would believe anyone if they told me I was hot. Except maybe for the mentally ill folks who hang out at the gas station asking for change.