This post pisses me off in a way

I WROTE this one year ago to this date on my other blog...Wanna know what sucks...it is just as true today as it was then!! WTF is the matter with me?? Seriously!! Oh except for the fact that I have been divorced now for 7 months...fuck!

This weekend I was off at camp. You know is some ways I really hate camp because I hate the fact that I am alone. You know I am happy for all the couples married and otherwise, but I then feel so inwardly lonely and rehearsal isn't really the place to let that all out. You don't want to bring people down. If only they knew sometimes I sit there and wish I were dead, so I didn't have to feel at all. Any way here is my stupid post.

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Some evenings are just harder than others. Some days it just strikes me all of a sudden how lonely I feel, how much I miss my children, how isolated I feel being the one who can't be in the house. I am sure my ex would gladly switch places with me sometimes. I just find myself with my thoughts and not even wanting to talk to anyone. I am sure it did not help that I have gone off my meds on my own. I am trying to get back on them, but it takes time to build up in your system. I didn't really mean to do it. I just let the prescription lapse, then I decided I did not want to be in that medicine any more and stopped taking them. In retrospect this was not a good idea. The pangs of loneliness were very poignant tonight. Even though my marriage was physically vacant it was still something, and what I have now is nothing. I know it has to be, but sometimes the reality is difficult.

I found myself missing casual face to face conversation. Holding hands and giving massages. Touchin, caressing, grabbing, pulling, breathing, holding, biting...laughing, fingertips and fingernails,gripping, sweating, the noises, goosebumps..rinse and repeat. I am sure you get the picture.

Then I started dwelling on the fact it has been 21 years since I have been with anyone else and I started to get nervous for no reason. I mean there are no immediate prospects, so I shouldn't be concerned right? Yet, I still was like a teenager almost scared. How will I know I am ready? I know this sounds very un "guy" like . After all we are dogs and with most guys just throw us a bone and it doesn't matter where it came from. Well, I don't find myself feeling that way and I don't think all guys feel that way.

I beginning to wonder how to cope with the long dry spell in my sex life. I admit I am finding this increasingly frustrating. I learned to cope in my marriage when it would go one, two , three months. I will admit it was frustrating and it hurt physically and emotionally. I know you women out there think the physical pain men whine about is just a ruse but it isn't seriously the old term "blue balls" is the more common one used, but it is physically frustrating at least it is for me like a kick in the guts. At least when I was married even though it was a dry spell I guess it was easier to cope because I knew the end would eventually come. Yes, of course there is always the obvious. Guys are always quite adept at this. We are frequent practitioners, but it is no replacement for the real thing.

I remember speaking with a friend and she told me she dealt with it by having a series of rendezvous which were essentially one night stands. She had a very specific set of rules and one of them was definitely no commitment, don't even go there. I just can't got there. I am not saying what she did was wrong. It worked for her. It's just not for me. Plus I am not very good at brokering that kind of deal. Then what if i can't separate sex and the emotions? I just don't know I don't think my heart can take it. Even now though I would settle for just holding someone.

Don't get me wrong its not like everything isn't working. Oh it works just fine I just don't know if I can make sense of the trepidation I feel. Besides I am not technically divorced yet so perhaps I should at least wait until its official. I know it is an excuse, but I am so confused to be honest.

I am just tired, and lonely and just rambling

Goodnight

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Now playing: Journey - Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'

An Old HNT with and without the stache! :=)

SORRY...I Just did bit have time to do anything for HNT. I had a guest post to write for Barefoot Dreaming. I had last minute things to do to get my Halloween costume ready. I cooked dinner for the family tonight, and I have Samshine with me as well. Oh and the stupid Yankees threw me off tonight with their loss...boo! Plus I was repeatedly drunk dialed tonight. Wow that was some serious skirting innuendo that is all I can say about that!!

I was going to have a separate blog for this by now and do something totally classy..blah blah blah... The best I could do is a montage of all the HNT pics I have already put up not knowing they were HNT material. So here they are now all in one place. bah!

There is more HNT over Here

HNT-Free

Sorry no HNT today mega mega busy...I will check all you other hotties out later on. Here is an old pic of me though. it is hard to believe I was ever that young. I did get a nice compliment from a friend the other day on how my looks and persona have not changed in 20+ years and she told me how nice and refreshing that was . Made me feel good.

Still yearning for Victoria's Secret

In my running around today I needed to stop by the mall. It seems every time I go to the mall I end up walking by Victoria's Secret. I want to say I love that store. I'm not talking about the obvious sexiness of Victoria Secret models. Truth be told yes they are sexy, and no I wouldn't kick one out of bed for eating crackers. I would be lying if I said that. Really though those women are not real women. What I mean is they are the product of lots of makeup, surgery, and photoshop its all good, but not real if that makes sense. I love real women with their differences and imperfections and all their different curves. To me that is a helluva a lot sexier than the Stepford wives the fashion industry tries to shove down our throats.

I love Victoria Secret because I find women's undergarments and lingerie so incredibly sexy, well on women of course, not on me! :-) I seriously wish had a reason to go in there and shop. I know there is probably nothing wrong with me going in and looking around. However, I admit I feel creepy with out having a real reason to be in there.

There is no bigger turn on then buying something sexy for someone you care about. The thought of it on her body, the anticipation of her putting it on maybe even taking time to show it off for you, and then thinking of the many sexy ways of getting it off her. I wonder do women feel the same way? Do you like it when your men buy sexy lingerie or undergarments for you, or do you find it self serving just putting pressure on you to act or be a certain way?

If you read my blog then you know I try not to write disparaging things about my ex. This is is not my little corner of the world to take pot shots. It is unnecessary and so I feel the need to say I am not trying to be mean here, but she never once went to a place like Victoria Secrets to shop for me. This is why Victoria Secret's is not just a store I love, but also a store that makes me kind of sad. I don't know why she would not go I had essentially given her Carte Blanche to shop their anytime she wanted and I would not have been mad if she went a little crazy in there. I told her she could go anytime and spend in that store. I begged her. I would have gone nuts if she would have gone just once either there or Frederick's of Hollywood. I told her what I liked. I didn't expect her to buy something and have to wear it all the time. In fact, I didn't even expect her to wear it outside of the house if she didn't want to. However, I did want her to get something that was sexy and that made her feel sexy. I mean I had preferences and I discussed them with her, but hell I would have settled for whatever if it made her feel sexy. I don't know maybe I was being selfish and didn't realize it. If I am tell me, so I don't make the same mistake again. sometimes us guys...well.. we are just plain clueless.

I even tried buying her lingerie for things like Valentines Day and Anniversaries. I admit it was self serving, but I also thought it would help her to feel sexy and thus ..you know..set the mood.I tried to buy things that were tasteful, sexy, fun and I hope would be comfortable and something that would flatter her and thus make her want to show it off. I would also sneak around in her undergarment drawers first so I would get the right size and if I erred I always tried to err on the side of too small. Also I would never just buy her lingerie. It would always come with bubble bath, and massage oil ,chocolate, perfume, and other fun stuff. I planned on pampering her. I am talking about making dinner, cleaning the house and bedroom making sure she didn't have to worry about a detail pampering. Seriously, I am not bragging here or trying to make myself look good. I am just really into the whole bubble bath, pampering, giving massage thing. It is total foreplay and a turn-on for me getting a woman to relax and feel great before any kind of sex. I really really really enjoy giving massages, and even though I am not trained I am very good at it. In fact, (if I may blow my own horn here) one of the things we do in the Renegades before a show is get in a circle and give a shoulder and back massage to the person to your right, then we would turn to the left and give a massage to the person on your left. It was fun to do as a group, and a great way to relax before a show. One of the male soprano players whom I happen to be delivering a massage said to me once before a show "Stay away from my sister". I laughed and said what? he said "Dude your fingers..they are like magic...stay away from my sister!" :-)

The sad part is very often for whatever reason my ex wouldn't wear the lingerie. She wouldn't even try. In fairness sometimes the evening planned would not happen for whatever reason. Right now there are several pieces in her drawer that have never been worn. In a way they are little reminders of moments that never happened that maybe should have. Still despite begging, requesting, pressure, for whatever reason she would never go out and get something sexy. Towards the end when she would ask what I wanted for my birthday/ Christmas/anniversary etc. I would tell her the it was the only thing I wanted her in something sexy. I am not kidding about this, and it ever happened in the many years I asked I cannot remember and I think I would. Am I missing something here? I seriously thought she would be totally flattered by that request, and I would get something I was hardly ever getting. Not to mention with out budget this gift was totally doable. I don't know maybe it was too much to ask of her, but it is truly all I wanted... her to give herself to me. Crazy huh?

So in returning to my original premise. I wish I had a reason to go into Victoria's Secret. My favorite look is the thigh high stocking look especially with those little dainty straps that run up the leg to hold them up. Although I like thigh highs without the straps with a nice set of sexy panties and a bra....mmmmmmm, and of course thigh highs without the panties and a bra, well now we are talking fantasy. Of course I wouldn't make you wear it out in public if it was not very practical or comfortable, but if you did you would have me wrapped around your little finger and it is fair to say you could have your way with me. I swear the thought of that under some sexy red dress with a nice set of sexy high heels combined with the thought that later on that evening I am going to get to see you in it and slowly slip you out of it...man oh man!

OK, so there you have it I have given y'all another piece of kryptonite :-) and again I hope I have not come across as disparaging to someone who cannot defend themselves here. If I have please let me know and I apologize in advance it was not my intent.

TMI - Tuesday ...The First of 2010

1. A relaxing vacation or an adventurous trip?

Oh I am all about the adventure. The more nervous it makes me going in the more fantastic I am going to feel that I did it, finished it, saw it, experienced it, completed it, touched it, made it..whatever..you get the picture. Adventure...life is too short I can relax when I'm dead.

2. Get a perfect nights sleep or have amazing sex?

Are you fucking kidding me...Right now I would probably donate a kidney for an amazing night of sex. So sleep would be of little value actually. In fact I would be happy to give up sleep for like a week!

3. Be intimate with the lights on or off?

Hmm this is a tough one, but I am going with off, but a caveat. At least one candle somewhere in the room,. I love your curves and parts women and I like to see at least the shadow of them.

4. Your S/O be a terrible kisser who could always make you orgasm or an amazing kisser who could never make you orgasm?

Why does it have to be one or the other...why why why why ..I am going to say I will go with the kissing. I guess I could make myself get there, and i get more pleasure out of her orgasm anyway. Still in general I find it hard that a woman could be a great kisser and not make me orgasm. Fuck I get hard when the wind blows the right way these days.

5. Date someone much younger or much older than you?

probably much younger. I have only ever met one woman who was much older that really did it for me..wait scratch that...two. Honestly though I have met women much younger who have done it for me too. Of course as you get older the age thing doesn't make much of a difference. I think my cutoff would be 25 at the young end and 55 at the old though. Of course if 2010 goes as bad as 2009 and 2008 for that matter I'll probably be spending a little more time at my mother's nursing home checking out the action.

Bonus (as in optional): Which reality show would you be good at? Why?

Probably Survivor..I was a Boy Scout..I am in pretty good shape and could stand to lose a few pounds, and I would love me a tropical island...so yeah....

A previous Meme

I am moving sex stuff off my old blog and on to this blog. You know just in case a potential employer Googles me or something. Although personally I think this shit should get me the job, just in case I don't want everyone giggling when I show up for the first day of work, so this stuff will slowly get moved over here. Who knows some of it may be new to you.

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This meme is as close as I am gonna get to HNT, so

1. Is there anyone on your blogroll you would have sex with?
Oh my yes. Wild Crazy all night long sex! There are some fun sexy people out there!



2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
 Yes, thank you

3. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? Yes, but fortunately, or unfortunately as it was for my friends. I don't remember...oh wait after my knee surgery I puked on the way home. I was so famished but the anesthesia would have none of it.

4. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
 uh no and I am pretty sure no one would pay for it either 5. Shower or bath while having sex? Yes and most definitely yes to both as well as the hot tub of a public Health Club too after hours

6. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? I'll take either depending on the moment

7. Do you love someone on your blogroll?
 Not that I am aware of

8. Love or Money?
 no Brainer ... L-O-V-E

9. Credit cards or cash? Cash or Debit Cards. Credit cards are evil!

10. Have you ever wanted a best friend?
 Yes absolutely

11. Camping or a 5 star hotel?
 I am an outdoors man, and I have had some great sex in a tent, but I prefer it in a 5 star hotel!

12. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
 hmmmm well of course my weird might not be someone else's weird. On the floor of a health club I managed after hours, On a bus, in a car in the forest in the middle of no where, In a car stuck in the mud, in a a public park, on a public beach at sunset, in my grandmother's bed! ( I am gonna burn for that one I am sure), in a tree house, under the bleachers of a football field



13. Would you shave your entire body (including your head)?
 No, not the head everywhere else is fair game. I am fairly hairless anyway.



14. Have you ever been to a strip club?
oh Gawd yes, but not in a long long time

15. Ever been to a bar?
 This question easily could have been are you breathing?!!

16. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?
 No I haven't ..not that I can remember


17. Ever been so drunk someone else had to carry you?
 Several times. One time I was so drunk I tried to exit a car moving down the freeway thinking I was home...not good!

18. Had sex in a movie theater?
 No and I never tried the ol' popcorn trick either (see American Graffiti)

19. Had sex in a bathroom?
 Yep, on the toilet ( not while using it) , on the floor, in the shower

20. Have you ever had sex at work?
 Yes , yes I have

21. Ever been to an adult store?
 absolutely...fun places

22. Bought something from an adult store?
 Oh hell yes

23. Have you been caught having sex?
 By my kids ...once,,,by Police...once..by the girls parents..ONCE! oh that was a hot mess. Of course we were both 16

24. Does anyone have naughty pics of you?
Hopefully they have deleted them. I know I have!

25. Ever had sex with someone and called them by the wrong name?
Thank God ..No..but I have had sex with someone and forgotten their name during. I waited until she went o freshen up and found my answer. She was none the wiser!

There you have it...Your tagged now...the rules answer em on your blog and link back to mine.


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Now playing: Erotic Moods - Spring Song

HNT - Favorite

So I guess the assignment was to pick a favorite from the year ( good thing I hung back like usual because I NEVER seem to get the theme). Anyway it was pretty slim pickings for me because I have done this HNT thing for so little time. Now I picked this picture because it is one of my firsts, and because it shows that I have been workin' out a little to be honest. I know some of you don't believe this but I am so uncomfortable in my own skin I don't like showing my body off, so this is a real step out for me....seriously! Anyway I included the second pic from my last HNT because I thought it was classy and well done all things considered. By the way the first one was from my Halloween costume. I don't know if any if of you ever saw the finished product, so I used it for my click through.

Finally, I want to wish everyone of you a Happy and Healthy New Year. I wish I had plans tonight, but I don't they all fell through . Funny, I don't have the kids this year , but I still I couldn't find anything to go to, or anyone to be with. Maybe that is just how its supposed to be. I admit I am a little bummed by it, but I think I will go to the gym and spend the time thinking how I want the New Year to be different.

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